This blog’s very first post was about peanut butter in coffee. Back then I was less sophisticated, so I just dumped raw PB in there and hoped for the best. It was okay, but the “warm snot at the bottom” problem has plagued me to this day.
Many kind commenters suggested something called PB2, and I ignored them for seven years, until I came across the concoction in Costco last week. PB2 is like peanut butter, but one louder. It’s also powdered, which means you have to add liquid to it to make it go. As a coffee expert, I can tell you one thing for certain: coffee is a liquid.
I put about a tablespoon in. Maybe more. Maybe a lot more. I wanted my first experience with peanut butter’s sequel to be memorable, okay?
It appeared to immediately mix right in with the coffee, which is what I was going for. Even a blender could not properly mix PB1 into coffee (as demonstrated in the peanut butter and jelly coffee incident of 2009), so this was quite exciting. I’d done it. I’d won. Here is a dot GIF file to demonstrate my feeling at the time:
And it tasted great, too. The second peanut butter’s flavour was subtle, but delicious. Even with the substandard coffee I’d used, it was elevated by the nuttiness and an extra creaminess that transcended the small amount of cream I’d added.
As I suspected all along, the flavour of peanut butter goes perfectly with the flavour of coffee. It was only texture holding me back before.
Then I got to the bottom. I felt a disturbance in the force. There was something solid down there. I brought my mug into the light to investigate further. Here is a dot GIF file of the moment I realized my coffee had broken bad.
Chunks. Always chunks. They follow me wherever I go, lurking under every surface. One cannot escape chunks any more than one can escape death.
I give PB2 in coffee four and a half out of five stars.
I was reliving this blog’s glory days and going through old comments on a Reddit post about PWTIC, and came across this one:
Andrew Zimmern said salt and yogurt in coffee was the most vile thing he ever put in his mouth–considering the stuff he likes to eat–that is quite a statement.
Andrew Zimmern hosted Bizarre Foods on the Travel Channel. He eats a lot of bizarre foods. Here he is putting a raw cow placenta in his mouth:
I can’t find any reference to him talking about salt and yogurt in coffee other than the Reddit comment, but if he even mentioned its vileness off-hand, it must be pretty bad.
I am nothing if not classy, so I used sea salt and Greek yogurt in my Spider-Man mug. Also, the yogurt has raspberry, because that’s all that was in the fridge.
Time to mix it all up. I’m proud to announce a new PWTIC feature: slow-motion videos! Watch this flickering horror show for the next few hours:
When it’s all mixed together, the smell is quite nice. The raspberry traipses pleasantly through my nostrils, mixing with the coffee to bring Black Forest cake to mind. Not bad. Let’s get my taste buds in on the journey.
This is bad. This is very bad.
The first thing I taste is the salt. There’s too much of it, and even though I know it’s liquid, it feels like it’s dry. It’s dry and it’s doing bad things to my tongue.
The yogurt comes next. It feels like it’s trying to form a ball in the back of my throat. It’s physically hard to swallow. I rush over to the sink, in case the stuff needs to take a reverse-traipse out of my body.
Before the second sip, I notice that the feeling of solidity wasn’t an illusion. It’s gathering under the surface, forming odd tentacle formations in its whorls and eddies.
I can’t take another sip. I release it into the sink, where I pray it does not gather strength then rise up from the depths to enslave mankind.
Dammit Andrew Zimmern, you were right.
See also: the blue cheese in coffee incident.
Tessa from The Bean Stream has some kind words about PWTIC (thanks!), and tried out one of my recipes, with a disastrous modification:
Before I get to any reviewing, even before the stupid jokes and puns come out, I want to take no credit for the creation of this coffee.
I stumbled across a blog called Putting Weird Things in Coffee, so of course I had to check it out. I was expecting like cats and staplers, but they actually have real recipes involving weird (but edible) coffee creations.
For those brave coffee drinkers, I suggest checking this blog out. For those slightly less brave, acquire some courage and then go check it out.
Some of them were a little too weird for me (can someone please tell me what Blood Pudding is, I’ve always wanted to know and I’m too lazy to Google), but I did find one that was simple and sounds as delicious as it was: Butterscotch Pudding Coffee.
I abandoned my go-to French Vanilla roast for this experiment…
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As in Coca Cola, not cocaine, you scumbag.
A few years ago, Coke released a coffee-flavoured brand of cola: Coca-Cola BlāK. For the weeks between being released and being executed by an angry mob of tastebuds, I drank it as much as possible. I don’t like pop to begin with, so it was at least an improvement. I mourned its loss for years, until today, when I had the brilliant revelation that coffee and Coke are both readily available.
Putting Coffee in Coke:
I went with about 2/3 Coke and 1/3 coffee, over ice, in a Crown Royal glass for some reason.
This is not bad. Not all that different from how I remember BläK tasting. It’s hard to get over the feeling that you’re drinking two things at once rather than a single drink, but I could get used to it.
It does get watered down due to the ice required to keep it cold. What if I could combine the flavours without that pesky coldness? Which leads to…
Putting Coke in Coffee:
I decided to take it all the way and prepare hot coffee with cream and sweetener before adding about 1/4 of a mug Coke.
This is … more interesting. The Coke and the sweetener engaged in some kind of audible chemical reaction that sounded like a bomb about to go off, then formed a froth of pure sweetness on top of the coffee. The froth tasted pretty good, but the coffee itself just took on the flavour of flat, bitter Coke.
Some people are really into Coke (my girlfriend drinks more of it than I drink coffee), but I just don’t get it. It’s a brown liquid of nonspecific flavour, with bubbles added so that every sip is an IOU for a burp or a fart. I tried to let it hang with coffee, but I’d rather the Coke just kept its nose out of it.
My sister recently went to New Orleans, and kindly brought me back some local coffee paraphernalia.
Chicory is a plant whose roots can be ground and baked to create a cheap coffee substitute; a practice that is popular in New Orleans. This blend of coffee and chicory from Café Du Monde is surprisingly delicious on its, with a smokier, woodier flavour than most coffee. However, apparently New Orleans is also down with the practice of putting coffee in weird things:
This rub, probably designed for flavouring meat, contains garlic, chipotle, other spices, and yes, coffee. Someone must have figured the flavours go well together, so the next logical step is to mix the rub with actual coffee. I decided to do so with an old fashioned rim job.
Before continuing, I have to introduce a new mug to the Putting Weird Things in Coffee family:
I have no idea who Danielle is. I believe an ex girlfriend left this mug here after celebrating the miracle of childbirth with some friends. I trust that Danielle and her little blessing are doing well, and I will think fondly about them whenever I use this commemorative mug. Now let’s see what it looks like when smeared with coffee rub gunk:
I wet the mug then dipped it in the rimmer, not unlike a caesar. Then, in goes the chicory coffee.
You know, this isn’t terrible. The garlic, and especially the chipotle, go well with the chicory coffee in a weird sort of way. If it were mixed in the coffee it would be overpowering, but after a few sips I only taste a hint of the rimmer, which adds some saltiness and additional smokiness to the coffee.
Yeah, not bad. I’d toss some beads at this coffee if it showed me its boobs at Mardi Gras.
I’d like to thank my sister Andrea for bringing me this stuff, and I’d also like to thank Danielle, whoever she is, for the lovely mug.
Winter is coming.
And isn’t coffee all the better when it’s not only doing the water dance with your tastebuds, but providing you with life-saving warmth? It’s even better with rich, creamy, buttery additions, which can help provide that extra layer of blubber to protect against the biting cold and/or threats from beyond the Wall.
Looking through my chambers for such an addition, I came across some butterscotch pudding that had, sadly, expired several months ago. Good thing a true coffee warrior realizes that minor concerns such as “expiry dates” are all in the mind. Even though the brown butterscotch powder had, curiously, turned pink:
No matter! Coffee is all about revival, resurrecting expired ingredients like fearsome and delicious wights.
I used this coffee from Idealbrew.co . They were kind enough to send me a free sample of their service, which sends three coffee samples from three different roasters, every month, for about $10 per month. Delivered right to your door, so you don’t have to brave the winter air to acquire it. They didn’t even ask me to plug them, but check it out anyway.
I added cream and the bepinkened pudding powder to a drinking receptacle, then stirred it with a staff of cinnamon. It immediately began to regain its colour.
The end result was a elixir that was thick and creamy, with a hint of the warm spice of cinnamon. I could feel my arteries toughening up, bracing themselves for the coming winter. Mission accomplished.
Stay thirsty my friends, and may the odds be ever in your favour, and a Lannister always pays his debts. (?)
See also: Blood pudding in coffee.