Low Fat Whipped Dressing in Coffee
In the comments to a previous post, a fellow named Taft wrote the following:
I shared the love on Metafilter a few days ago. So perhaps I have a voice in what you review next (heh)? I suggest mayonnaise and/or crumbled up Doritos in the grounds.
Indeed, the link from Metafilter is largely responsible for a lot of this blog’s recent success, so Taft deserves special attention. Mayonnaise it is!
Except I don’t have any mayonnaise around. I don’t even have its cheap and ugly little brother, Miracle Whip. Oh, but what have we here? PC Low Fat Whipped Dressing? I suppose that’s the next next best thing.
After my Eggspresso post, several people wrote in to suggest improvements. One that came up repeatedly was to whisk the egg into a little bit of coffee, then slowly add the rest, so it turns into a thick cream rather than a chunky mess. Since whipped dressing has egg in it, I thought I’d try this technique.
It seems to be working. There are a few floaty bits, but mostly it looks like coffee with a nice amount of cream.
I slowly whisk in a full mug. It’s looking good. Doesn’t smell too bad. Maybe this will be a surprise success. Bottoms up.
Oh. Oh my god. The moment it enters my mouth, I know that something has gone wrong. It’s sour; oh jesus, it’s like acid burning my tongue.
In the name of science, I take another sip. No yeah, this is the closest I’ve come to chugging vomit. Somehow it’s even worse than blue cheese dip.
I should have gone with the Doritos.
Putting Weird Things in Coffee 
That sounds pretty foul. Maybe tuna and celery would have helped?
One day, Science will recognize your contribution.
I love this site! It’s a really cool idea, and you’re much braver than me to try some of these things (bacon coffee, good lord). You know, I had an idea earlier that I’d love to try eventually…. maple syrup. Maple syrup coffee? Would that work? Now, it would have to be the real Canadian kind, not that godawful sugary fake stuff.
So yeah, I’ve worked in the foodservice industry for a long time. I could’ve predicted this quite readily. As soon as the coffee hit the mayo you essentially poured acid over it and gave it the heat of sitting in the hot sun for several hours. Mayo and coffee =/= good.
As a side note, I second the proposal from Christina; pure Maple syrup (not sugar added crap).
Darius: I seriously considered adding tuna, but I couldn’t bring myself to try one more sip.
Christina & Mystern: Oh yes, I’ve tried maple syrup several times and love it (both the real stuff and the fake stuff; real is the way to go). I have a recipe coming up pretty soon that includes syrup, and may actually be delicious. Stay tuned!
Christina, pure mapple sirup is quite good in coffee. You can also get real mapple sugar in a dry grain state which give an almost identical taste but a little more practicle. Mapple butter is also good and feels a little richer.
Hey Phronk, for something that actually taste very good, you can try fresh unprocess cow milk. Very tasty.
That was AWESOME! I think most things on here sound disgusting, so hearing about one that actually is, almost feels like vindication. It feels like “at last THIS is what I have been waiting for”. Is it weird that I think it’s hilarious when people eat or drink gross stuff? Hmmmm…
So satisfying….
Masyl: Hmm interesting! I’ll keep an eye out for those maple alternatives and fresh cow milk. Thanks.
Hey Lady! You can’t be that weird, since a lot of people seem to keep visiting here. 🙂 I hope I can continue stuffing gross stuff in my mouth for your entertainment.
Taft: Thanks. Thanks a lot.
tried it and i like the creaminess of the coffee.